各位帮忙看看我的这篇留学动机内容有何不妥

tinachou

[SIZE="6"]Motivation[/SIZE]

Gründe für mein Studium in Deutschland
I chose to further my graduate study in German for the following three reasons.

First, Professor Melchinger’s Laborotory at the University of Hohenheim in German is playing one of the leading role in Plant Breeding and Genetics, which is the area of my interest. During the four years undergraduate study in China Agricultural University, I developed an intense interest and great potential in Plant Breeding and Genetics. So I want to deepen my study in Plant breeding and genetics and am determined to become an accomplished plant breeder and geneticist.

My career goal is to become a accomplished plant breeder and geneticist,
Second, 我非常向往去霍恩海姆大学学习。我本科就读的大学-中国农业大学和
霍恩海姆大学已经有了30年交流和合作的历史。我的一些老师就是从霍恩海姆大学学成归，的严谨的治学态度和丰厚的学术成就令人羡慕。另外，我还了解到，德国学位和学历的含金量在全世界首屈一指，靠的就是传统强大的科技和教育实力，德国的教育质量一直在全世界首屈一指。

Third, I am so lucky beening awarded the full scholarship from Limagrain Vernueil Holding—the fourth largest seed company in the world, which makes my study in Germany financially possible.

Plan fuer mein Studium in Deutschland
After entering into the University of Hohenheim, 我将会进一步加强对植物遗传育种专业基础理论知识和实践技能的学习，同时refine my philosophy for scientific research。Schedule of my future two years study in German is listed below,
October 2009 until March 2010    Winter semester at Univ. of Hohenheim
March 2010                                A 3 week break
April 2010 until July 2010              Summer semester at Uinv. of Hohenheim
August 2010 until mid of October   intership at Limagrain.
October 2010 until March 2o11     Winter semester at Univ. of Hohenheim
March 2011                                  A 3 week break of duties.
April 2011 until September 2011    Master thesis in collaboration with Limagrain.
End of September 2011                M. Sc. degree.

Nach dem Studium
I am well aware of the power of modern plant breeding technology and genetics, that it can improve the lagging behind condition of Agriclutre in China and can relieve the ever most severe food crisis ahead. Thus, after finishing my Bachelor degree in German, I would come back to China to contribute to the development of plant breeding and genetics, and further to the development of agriculture and food safety in China, which is in coordiation with my career goal.

水是睡着的冰

第一句就有问题呢~I chose to further my graduate study in German for the following three reasons.


further一般做形容词和副词，做及物动词的意思是“促进;助长;推动”

不学英语好久了~~哈哈

水是睡着的冰

我大概看了一下，好像语法错误有点多，不过我现在英语很烂，还是找英语比较好的给你看吧

dsdfv

语法错误真的蛮多的。

建议楼主拿中文稿请英语好的同学或者翻译公司翻译一下会比较好。

infinityshi

不是最好用德语的吗

有可能会被退了重写的
要不就赶紧修改语法错误